There is a simple model that I find useful to understand how the mind works. Briefly stated, it is your beliefs and considerations that drive emotions and resulting behavior. The thoughts that go through your mind in particular difficult circumstances may trigger an unpleasant or self-defeating emotional reaction, resulting in behavior that is not in one’s best interest.

These thoughts come from times when they seemed like the best solution to difficult circumstances. If the original circumstances were unpleasant and become painful to think about, the accompanying thoughts, decisions and purposes become suppressed too, but continue to operate subconsciously.

When brought into the light, these thoughts/feelings will affect your current life unnecessarily. The over-generalization, exaggeration, negativity, false assumption or intolerance often does not stand up to logic or figuring it out. We can however learn to become aware of these thoughts and to examine them objectively. We can be more conscious of the present moment, and so act (rather than react) in a way that is smarter by looking for the feelings just below the surface of these thoughts.

The easiest way to deal with unwanted feelings and subsequent behavior is to simply focus on the underlying feelings. Most often these are fleeting and subconscious, since they are associated with painful experiences or because they have long been installed in the mind as seemingly safe solutions to the situations of life and have therefore become taken for granted - ‘built in’ as part of who you think you are. Normally you can’t see what you are being.

Finding the underlying feelings is therefore crucial to resolving your problematic reactions, and when it is seen in the light of an objective view this is a great relief, because the decision - and the beliefs surrounding it - can normally be changed very easily.

The way it works is this: As a result of an experience, a person makes a decision or intention for the future, such as “men are selfish bastards, I can’t trust them” which becomes part of their belief system. Because the experience was painful it is suppressed, along with the accompanying decision, but both remain in the mind and continue to have influence. When the past experience is re-stimulated by similar circumstances in the present, the old decision is utilized along with feelings from that old decision. The tape replays subconsciously. The decision may have seemed relevant and appropriate at the time but it is probably not so appropriate now - it is therefore irrational and somewhat stupid, i.e. it may contain an assumption that causes you to be intolerant or negative.

Your reaction has three parts:

• A mental reaction, how you interpret the situation, which is often a replay of old stuff you’ve attached to as part of your identity.
• An emotional reaction which results from your interpretation, so you feel happy, angry, sad, or frustrated.
• And a behavioral reaction: based on your feelings you act in a certain way, such as jumping for joy, getting away as soon as possible, or punching the other guy’s nose.

It might seem that the circumstances caused your emotional reaction, or even that it caused your behavior. So, if your girlfriend criticizes your manners, you might get angry and leave the restaurant. Later, you may feel that your girlfriend made you angry or that you had to leave the restaurant because of her. But really it was your belief that no one has a right to question your rightness, such as the way you eat with your mouth open. “That’s rude and intolerable.”

So you created your own reaction with what you told yourself. It may have been instant and below the level of your consciousness but there was your voice inside telling you these things. Actually, though, you did have other choices. You could have actually listened and understood her viewpoint - you would then still have a girlfriend and have learned something useful. And your girlfriend would have renewed respect and love for you.

Your inner voice can talk you into a lot of trouble or it can create a positive outlook that changes your life experience. The secret is to stay in the moment, to stay conscious, and spot your voice when it is replaying old tapes and talking nonsense, when it is being intolerant, exaggerating or over-reacting.

You are made of love; when your thoughts are judgmental and resisting what is, then you can recognize that is not the real you. So my advice is: if it’s not love, STOP, gather yourself in the moment and reconsider.

Sincerely,

Brendan Rehman

Founder - FreeYourPower.com